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"But Everyone does that!" my friend replies, as I, in answer to her question about the difficulties my Asperger's Syndrome poses me, list tactlessness, inability to take hints and blurting out inappropriate statements in conversations. "But with me, it's worse than with other people," I explain. She smiles, but continues trying to convince me that my "problem" is just the ordinary, human condition. I try to explain how it's not so much tactlessness, but tact as a random, indefinable target that I can only occasionally hit, and then, as much by luck as by judgement. I try to explain how, when I speak, I am doing a million calculations in my head, trying to determine the likelihood of each statement being offensive, trying to conceive of every possible scenario in which my statement would be inappropriate, trying to recall previous occasions on which I said a similar thing, and how it was received; the difference between a human being playing chess, and a computer. I am the chess computer, trying to calculate statistical outcomes of individual moves. I can be very efficient. I can simulate tact occasionally better than the real thing, but each conversation can leave my head buzzing from cognitive overload, and my heart pounding from the stress and effort. And too often, the calculations become overly complicated, I make a stab in the dark, and I miss. My listener turns away, angry and offended. I lose another potential friend. My friend tells me that she is bad at taking hints, too. Not as bad as I am, I think to myself, as I concentrate on her expression and posture, trying to ascertain if she is happy to continue our conversation, or wishes to change the subject. I cannot determine it, so, angry at her lack of clarity, I storm onwards, discussing the subjects that are on my mind at that moment. Her expression tells me nothing, and I am now concentrating solely on my next statement, forgetting to remind myself to watch out for those elusive "hints" that she confesses to being equally bad at taking. Suddenly, it is brought to my attention that my friend is glaring at me. I have missed some important cue, some indication that I've caused offence, or talked to long and too fast. Or maybe it is nothing to do with me, and her expression is one of feeling unwell, or in pain, or tired? I am uncertain. It takes too long to gather the data, to calculate what her expression means, and before I have finished the thought, she is talking to me in a harsh, clipped fashion that I have learned to associate with disapproval, and occasionally with shyness or uncertainty. I fall silent, and we walk home together, gazing at the footpath in front of us. I try to go over the last few sentences in my mind, trying to recall her facial expression and body posture. I have insufficient data. I can only determine that she is most likely angry, and I do not know why. This must be what a "hint" feels like, I conclude. I mumble something about needing to do some housework, and turn off to take the long way home. Does "Everyone" do this, and for the same reasons? I ask myself. They seem too relaxed, too self-confident for that to be the case. My friend may be bad at taking hints, but at least she knows what a "hint" is. Recommended Reading:"Asperger's Syndrome: A Guide for Parents and Professionals", by Tony Attwood "Anthropologist on Mars", by Oliver Sacks (biography of Temple Grandin) "Pretending to be Normal" by Liane Holliday-Willey (a woman with AS) Internet Websites:http://www.users.dircon.co.uk./~cns/index.html Please also look at the links pages on the Autism FAQ pages. Compiled by Anna
Hayward (c) 2000. |